Sexual integration is not often discussed but it is one of the most high-impact pieces of masculine development. For many men, it is the oft-overlooked foundation on which everything else is built. Before discipline, presence, leadership and creativity, an integrated sexuality makes all of that way easier. If sexuality remains fragmented, performative, compulsive or shut down, a man will be half-there. He will not be able to fully show up in his life.
If a man has serious mental or psychological issues, this work can do more harm than good. We encourage men to see a mental health professional before engaging with any type of inner work if only to get the validation. I run everything I do by therapists and counselors who are knowledgeable about the power of inner work. Sexual integration cannot be done by a therapist, though. A therapist can point the way but they may not be willing or able to discuss these things with a client. A life coach might be able to, but this work is best done among brothers and trusted friends. In this age a man will have no end of support and materials to aid him on his quest. The more repressed our culture has become, the more materials we get access to in order to rectify it. A man has a right to his own sexuality independent of other people. But he might need to rely on his brothers and other men who have gone through what he is going through. Some things are best shared man to man.
What Is Sexual Integration
When we talk about sexual integration, this is what we mean. It’s a process of bringing one’s full erotic nature into a conscious relationship with the rest of the self. It’s not something done on the side or a dirty secret. It doesn’t become a man’s sole identity either. It brings a man’s sexual nature into the light instead of it running his life in the background like a rogue program. His sexuality becomes part of his operating system. He also becomes more disciplined and ordered in his life. He learns to control his sexuality instead of letting his sexuality control him. In many of our videos we display men wearing metal codpieces as a symbol of sexual integration. Many of our videos communicate with archetypal symbols and gestures that are known to all men on a base level. Words can be misunderstood but the symbols are not.
What happens during sexual integration is this: Desire is owned rather than managed or pathologized. Arousal can be felt and directed without needing to be discharged. The body is no longer treated as a problem to solve. Sexual energy becomes available as a life force. It becomes fuel for work, creativity, connection and presence rather than something that needs to be constantly released. A man becomes more decisive and goes for what he wants instead of betraying himself to please others.
Masculine sexuality is misunderstood in our modern culture because the rituals that used to help men integrate their sexuality have not been in use for hundreds of years. Men today inherit a culture that treats male sexuality as dangerous or predatory. It gets treated as something to suppress or moralize. Or it gets treated as pure performance or conquest that turns a man’s desire for sex into another form of external validation. The wholesale misunderstanding of men and their sexuality leaves them fragmented. A divided man has a public self and a private self and a public self. Beyond that he can be even further fragmented being one way with some people and being another way with others. He hides things from his loved ones and is dishonest with almost everyone.
Fragmentation Is Expensive
The split costs the man quite a bit. Having to live two or more lives keeps him constantly on edge. He can develop chronic health conditions, constant shame, difficulty with sustained attention, compromised relationships and a subtle sense of being incomplete even when he looks outwardly successful. In fact, the more outwardly successful a man is, the higher chance he is highly fragmented and suffering a great deal.
In the article about our MAN UP regimen, I discussed some of the weird digestive disorders I developed that I can now trace back to sexual suppression. I had always been a sexually open and free person, but all that changed when I got sober and then got married. My husband and I stopped talking about sex with other men and closed ourselves off into a monogamous relationship. We used to hang out with other sexually free gay guys when we were single, but we moved away from Chicago and to a smaller community where we started hanging out with deeply sex negative people.
We didn’t realize the effects of this until many years had passed and we had tried all sorts of ways to solve some pretty serious problems for ourselves. We even tried celibacy where we both took a 100 day period of no sexual activity and no ejaculation believing that we were becoming more evolved and not wasting our sexual energy through what is called PMO: porn, masturbation and orgasm.
That period of time where we didn’t ejaculate did have an effect on our sexuality. It matured it. We experienced a brief period of time where we were free from the shame of it all because we weren’t doing anything shameful like furtively masturbating to bareback cumdump porn or hiding our sexual fantasies from each other. We were deeply ashamed of our sexuality and we didn’t even know it. That period of celibacy showed us where we were stuck.
Life without cumming became dull and lifeless. Even though I got a lot of things done, it was mostly because I was distracting myself from my sexual energy instead of actively engaging with it. All of the “benefits” that I received from holding onto my semen could have been easily achieved by sexual integration.
The End Of The Split
Once a man stops arguing with his own desire, the energy that was previously spent on concealment or self-attack becomes available for everything else. He can be incredibly horny but does not need to cum. In fact, horniness becomes something he can use to energize him. He can be more honest with others because he is not trying to hide anything from anyone, least of all himself. He becomes less driven by hidden agendas or residual guilt. Sexual integration will give a man more focus, more consistent output and a different quality of ambition. He becomes less frantic and more grounded.
His body becomes an ally instead of a battlefield. This is especially relevant for men who have had periods of denial, excess or cultural messaging that their bodies were somehow wrong. A man might realize that he has deep shame or problems with his sexuality but doesn’t really know what to do about it. Like I said in the beginning of the article, sexual integration is rarely mentioned in a therapist’s office and certainly not from a culture that treats men as dangerous predators. Many men stumble into this work by coming across it on the internet or through a sexual encounter with another sexually integrated man. Or if a man sees another man who has something he wants and if he has the balls to ask him what his secrets are.
A sexually integrated man will be happy to share his secrets with other men. Another benefit of sexual integration is that a man becomes more open and compassionate and willing to help his brothers. A fragmented man will lie, manipulate and cheat to get what he wants because he doesn’t know how to ask for it. Ask a man about sexual integration and he will tell you exactly how he did it.
Many men fall into traps like I did and do “no fap” or semen retention as the solution rather than a temporary diagnostic tool. They will use spiritual or recovery language to spiritualize avoidance of the erotic body. Even going so far as to frame their love of porn and sex into an addiction that needs treatment. Or they wait until the rest of their life is sorted out before tackling sexuality. This work should be done when a man is single or unmarried because doing it within a relationship is often difficult and can lead to feelings of insecurity from their partners. Instead of sexually integrating openly and honestly, a man might cheat or take his private sexual time underground and start hiding things from those he loves the most. What destroys most relationships is the lack of sexual integration because the man would rather break up and move on to the next relationship rather than address his deep shame or reveal what really turns him on.
Lucky Men Will Stumble Into It
Sexual integration can be avoided for so long but it will eventually become necessary in the life of every man. No man is exempt from having a sexuality or needing to integrate it. I am lucky enough to have experienced enough suffering that someone recognized it. It was not another man, though. Most men have no idea that this is the missing piece. Usually someone else has to point it out for him.
In my case, a female shaman gave me a heads up. She was already doing this type of work helping straight men sexually integrate and she had been watching me on YouTube for years as I talked about my life as a man doing deep inner work. She encouraged me to sign up for a fetish website and communicate with her there but I had such deep shame talking to a woman about my sexuality that I resisted doing it for a long time.
But the time eventually came when I realized that there was something terribly missing from my life. I missed being sexual. My husband and I were intimate, sometimes too much, but as far as being sexual with other men or even talking about sex in a playful way with others, I missed it and I felt a lack of joy and fulfillment in life. At this point I realized I had become a deeply sex negative person and I knew that had to change, but how was I going to do that?
Seeking True Sexual Integration
True integration is not about more orgasms or less sex. It’s about ending the civil war. An integrated man can feel strong desire but be able to hold it and express it cleanly when appropriate. It’s different for the fragmented man who chases sex or has loose boundaries. A man that forgoes himself in favor of others is overworked, stressed out and angry. Sexual integration puts the focus back on him and honors every desire even if he doesn’t have to express it or engage with it. All he needs to do is recognize it.
The work is rarely linear and almost never intellectual. In fact, thinking too much about it will fuck a man up. Sexual integration requires honesty with the body and a willingness to feel what has been avoided. In my sexual integration journey. I sat my husband down and told him I needed to talk to other men about sex. I told him I was going to sign up for some websites as suggested by that female shaman and talk to total strangers and perhaps even engage with them sexually on webcam. I told him I wasn’t going to cheat on him or leave him, but that a part of me was offline and I needed to restore it. I should have done this before I got married but I didn’t know. It was a tense and uncomfortable situation but he supported what I needed to do. He trusted me to do what I needed to do in order to be fully present with him in the relationship.
I also told him that I would bring him in on it once I had established a baseline and that he had to promise that we would share this with other men. It wasn’t going to be a secret thing. When a man does this type of work he must share it with others. It’s part of the releasing of shame and supporting the brotherhood of all men. The rituals and ceremonies might be lost but a man can integrate his sexuality on his own if he knows where to look. I assured my husband that I would be completely honest with him about everything.
Art And Creativity Are Necessary
My sexual integration process involved chatting with non-local men about sex and bating. It also involved making sexual art and music and sharing it with others. I sat each of my male friends down and said that we would have to see each other naked and get over any weird shame or desires that we had with each other. A man should be comfortable in his skin and should be able to be naked around his most trusted friends. Only one of my male friends stuck around for the process and I will say that my friendship with this man is the ride-or-die friendship that most men never get.
I also started unearthing old sexual photos of myself and posting them online and reedited them to be more artistic like the black and white photo you see here. I needed to see myself as a sexual being again and be validated by my other men. Eventually a man will not need external validation but men need to be seen to heal this part of themselves. It doesn’t have to be posted online but it does need to be talked about with other men. Sometimes others might see men posting thirst traps or videos of them being sexual without realizing it might be part of a healing process. Shaming that only fragments a man further. Shaming other men for their sexuality fragments a man as well.
No Shame, ever.
There is nothing shameful about a man’s desires no matter how freaky they look to us. A mature masculine man will have undergone sexual integration so he knows not to shame another man. The price is too high. Any type of shame will destroy a man’s sexual energy even if it is shame directed towards another man. And anything that happens between consenting adults is not shameful. Kinks and fetishes are part of a man’s healing process. We might not be into what other men are into but we don’t have to be disgusted by it either. If we honor another man’s desires, we honor our own desires. I know that anything that turns a man on is healing him. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual. A gay man cannot look at a straight man and shame his love for pussy and neither can a straight man look at a gay man’s love for cock and call it wrong.
What turns a man on was often locked in childhood or early puberty. It cannot be changed. What gets a man hard illustrates something that he missed in life and he may never know what that is. Nor should he try to examine it. Through his sexuality and engaging with his kinks and fetishes, he restores lost parts of himself. Some straight men are into women’s panties and some gay men love armpits. Neither needs to be shamed or looked upon with displeasure because the man who engages with his fetishes is restoring what was lost.
My husband was able to see the results of sexual integration almost immediately. But the process was very difficult and sometimes very lonely. There were times when I felt like my skin was coming off or that my whole body was on fire. I would work on music and videos for hours and engage with other men online. I made sexual integration my job and worked on it. I am lucky to have a supportive husband, but I went through the process with an intention to share it with other men. Resources about true sexual integration are rare and I was creating my own materials as I went through them. The sexual music videos you see on this website are part of those materials. We set sexual integration to music like the shamans of old used to do. Our videos are more like rituals. They just look like music videos of pop songs. Watching them and experiencing them is healing. They healed us and I know I am not special or unique. But we live in an age when most men deny they have any problems or that they need to heal at all.
The Shared Journey Of Sexual Integration
Men often send me videos of them masturbating to our videos and music and it is so beautiful to see it working as we designed. Not to see men jerking their dicks to our music even though it is hot. It is evidence that they work as intended. Every time a man jerks off to porn he gets lessons from it whether he realizes it or not. By us intentionally pairing erotic music and videos with statements of masculine sexual empowerment, it inserts healing into him.
Our music and videos are about connection, brotherhood and being a man so if a man jerks off to that, it makes him a better man whether he understands what is happening or not. Mindlessly jerking to porn won’t help a man integrate but if he does it with the purpose of sexual integration he will gain confidence and self-esteem. We jerked off to our videos while we made them and the whole experience is lovely and life-affirming even if porn can be distancing and cold. Our videos are full of archetypes and symbols that convey what words cannot. Men learn to integrate from them on a soul level. Our videos don’t brainwash men like modern media or television programming, they liberate them from the conditioning that makes them suffer. They uncover what is already there in all men that has been buried by a culture distrustful and confused about masculine sexuality.
Do the men who watch our videos know that they are sexually integrating? Many of them do and our biggest fans love this aspect of our work. Some choose just to enjoy them as the pieces of art that they are or they enjoy just the hotness of it all. The music and imagery moves men in a way that porn simply cannot. We designed it that way. To be more erotic than focused on release. Men do cum while masturbating to our work and we have the videos to prove that. When someone shares a video or picture of themselves with us, we honor it and do not share it. But some men want us to share them because they know the importance of being seen in intimate moments.
No Man Is Exempt From Sexual Integration
No man is exempt from this work. Some men appear to skate past it. They might have had relatively clean conditioning in early childhood or a lower baseline in intensity of desire. Or they might have never even looked closely enough to notice the split. But when life pressure increases via a relationship rupture, aging or life tragedies the unintegrated material surfaces. It always does. Desire does not disappear just because a man is successful, spiritual, religious, married, sober or “evolved.” It only goes underground or gets redirected into paltry substitutes like video games or an obsession with entertainment, sports or excessive sex.
The men who most need the work are often ones who believe they are above it. High-achieving, highly-controlled or highly spiritual men frequently carry the sharpest internal civil war. They have a public self that has mastered discipline and a private erotic self that remains either starved, compulsive or both. The gap between those two selves is exhausting and expensive.
There is also no spiritual or philosophical exemption, either. Transcendence that requires sidelining the erotic is not transcendence. It is avoidance. The same is true of pure hedonism that refuses to bring consciousness to extreme sexual activity. Both are forms of non-integration.
A man can refuse the work. Many do. They simply pay the ongoing tax of fragmentation which is lack of focus, muted presence, chronic health conditions, strained relationships, financial problems and emotional reactivity. A man might decide that suffering is worth it. That he is okay with not integrating his sexuality and can put up with the stress and problems fragmentation causes. It is a legitimate choice, it is not an exemption.
When He Is Ready For Sexual Integration
For the man who is ready to sexually integrate, he can do what I did. Talk to his spouse or partner first. Engage and talk to other men about sex and sexuality. This might be easier for gay men but straight men must do it as well. A straight man that can talk intimately to another gay man about sex will see this process change his life significantly even if it would be the most uncomfortable thing he has ever done. Straight men must learn to appreciate the male body and all its functions just like gay men do. Even though gay men might be able to go farther into it than a straight man would be capable of. Gay men have a valuable role in the brotherhood of all men. No straight man can be turned gay through sexual integration but many straight men might avoid it because of the fear of other men. When a straight man shames a gay man, he does significant damage to himself. But the culture of fragmented men will support him in that.
Beyond just talk, a man can engage in non-sexual communal male nudity and often. At the gym locker room, in a steam room. He can also engage with it sexually at a gay bathhouse or a circle jerk. I have talked to a few straight men that attend circle jerks with their wives full knowledge and approval. Some women know the importance of sexual integration and want the men in their lives to be whole instead of fragmented. But first a man has to notice he is not whole and want to become so. If men knew what was on the other side of it, they would run to it. They would make sexual integration a priority instead of something they will get to later. Men can take a lot of heat and suffering and they will gladly endure the neverending struggle instead of just taking a year to sexually integrate.
Don’t Forget The Fun
Sexual integration can be enormously fun. At times it can be frustrating when a man is still fighting himself, but all of his sensations get louder and clearer. Shame and performance kill playfulness and once those loosen, a man can experiment and get looser and get kind of ridiculous. I let a man direct my masturbation via webcam (called bate coaching) and it was the hottest most fun I have ever had sexually even though it was deeply uncomfortable at first. He didn’t just do it once, he directed my body and sexuality for a full two months and it was a necessary part of integration. He had me on an edging schedule and sent him pictures of myself as proof that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.
Through sexual integration I developed a different relationship with my body. I hit the gym more and grew my muscles. I became aware of my cock as part of me and I stopped wearing restrictive briefs and clothing. I needed to feel more free in my body and let things swing around. The energy had somewhere good to go and I became even more creative and driven to create really good art about men and their sex lives. I started moving differently and speaking differently. I wanted to change my wardrobe from expensive designer crap into functional pieces like tank tops and simple pants. As I was no longer fighting myself constantly, everything in my life got simpler and a lot more fun. Challenging things seemed like no big deal.
Things might fall apart before they get better. And I experienced plenty of setbacks and hardships during this process. But I knew that all the challenges were opportunities for integration. They were tough but I got through them with that knowledge. They are necessary parts of integration. And when a man does this work, life will support him in ways that may look like negatives. The more I did this type of artistic work, the more the culture of repression pushed back. The YouTube termination and Discord suspension were things that need to happen. Things that were burning me out and wasting my time had to be removed by hook or by crook. Like many men, I don’t like to give up or walk away from things that are not working. This is true in relationships as well.
Everything Will Change
Through my own sexual integration, I changed so quickly that people who had known me started to dislike me intensely. Manipulators and liars got exposed because I was living more honestly. I scared the shit out of them and the more authentic I became the more they projected their own repressed shit onto me. The more I came to know myself, the less accusations and lies about me bothered me. Today, people can say what they want about me even if it is not true. I just laugh at it because I know myself and what my intentions are.
When a man does this work and is open about it, he might be called a predator or a groomer but in reality he is a helper and a healer. This work will always be misunderstood by those who are fearful of their own sexuality. I have been accused of trying to get men naked or be sexual with men. But I don’t really need to see other men naked or sexual anymore. I want men to be able to see themselves naked and sexual. It is the most honest a man can be.
Through our art and music, we help men learn to love the male body even as they learn to love their own. Fragmented people will often see what they are hiding in a sexually integrated man. It will scare them and their projections can be enormously helpful. When I get called names or get projected on, I look at it as a brilliant way to reexamine if I am doing anything wrong or shameful. Often that examination will bring up things I had overlooked. A man’s haters become his helpers and he is grateful for them.
A sexually integrated man is capable, reliable, honest and trustworthy. He can work hard and have lots of energy. He becomes a valuable member of society because he is not covering anything up anymore. This doesn’t mean he talks about sex with everyone or posts his cock all over the internet. He doesn’t have to. He can choose to share his sexuality with those who appreciate it. Only with those who appreciate it.
For all men, including myself, sexual integration is ongoing and never ending. There is no end point where a man will be completely sexually integrated especially in a culture that doesn’t understand why it is necessary. But when a man sexually integrates, it is his duty to share it and help others as brothers and friends. Not as instructors or experts, but as men going through something that all men need to go through. Only the rare few men actually get to experience life with sexual integration as a journey. It is not a destination, but a thrilling and joyful, life-affirming practice that never fails. It only fails the men who never try it or realize that it’s necessary at all.